Today I want to talk about attachment – and how we can learn to detach for a happier life.
Often we attach ourselves—and our ability to be happy—on a desired outcome, only to find ourselves disappointed when that outcome doesn't happen.
Detachment reveals the great paradox of life: In order to acquire something, you have to relinquish your attachment to having it. When you recognise that the only genuine source of security is living as your true self, then you can more easily detach.
But what exactly is meant when we talk about detachment?
Detachment, involves stepping back from life's chaos to gain a higher perspective.
It's the mastery of emotions and not allowing external circumstances to dictate one's inner state.
This of course is a tricky one ! For all of us ! But, by practicing detachment, we can learn to respond rather than react, and therein lies true power and control.
It's not indifference, but a conscious choice to manage one's emotional state, irrespective of the external turmoil.
Of course it is fundamental to set goals and aspirations, the difference is, when you are attached to an object, a goal, a dream, or another person, you can feel that, “If I don’t have that, I won’t be whole.” This creates feelings including:
- Anxiety
- Fear
- Anger
- Jealousy
- Hopelessness
- Sadness
What do we attach to?
We, as humans, develop attachments to various aspects of life - such as relationships, money, social status, and jobs, which contribute to their sense of identity. Basically, anything you can use to describe who you are can be a sign of attachment. For instance, someone may describe themselves as a "blonde, mother, wife, daughter, and sister who is physically healthy and socially vibrant." They might also identify as a "teacher, writer, speaker" However, it's crucial to grasp that the core "self" remains unchanged even when roles shift or are relinquished. If, for example, the person decides to stop teaching, the essence of "self" persists, emphasising the importance of understanding our sense of identity beyond external labels and roles.
How to detach: 5 steps
STEP 1. Observe your mind: Become aware of what kind of thoughts you habitually think. This is a good time to meditate. Become a student of self and heighten your awareness of where attachment happens more frequently for you. Recognise attachment comes with an emotional charge. Notice where you feel this in your physical body. It’s different for each individual and learning your patterns is a useful tool in creating change.
STEP 2. Distinguish between ego and actuality: Your ego might tell you that not getting the job you want has ruined your career. The actuality is: you are disappointed because you didn’t get something you wanted. Nothing has changed except your thoughts about your future potential. The actual situation is the same as it was prior to not getting the job and you can still advance your career.
STEP 3. Embrace Uncertainty: Genuine security comes from a willingness to embrace the unknown. What if it’s all exactly as it should be? By releasing your attachment to the illusion of security, essentially a fixation on the familiar, you open yourself to a realm of boundless possibilities where true happiness, abundance, and fulfillment can be found.
Like my good friend Ronan O’brien says ‘it couldn’t have happened any other way, because it didn’t’ I love this !
STEP 4. Be Kind To Yourself: The first step in making change is recognising what it is you want to change. Instead of getting frustrated or disappointed when you fall back into an old habit, celebrate that you are now noticing when you repeat the pattern of thought or habit. In time, this will allow you to transform your behavior.
When you begin living a life that starts with happiness from an internal place rather than attaching your ability to be happy on external conditions, then you have understood detachment.
Remember, it’s a practice.
Happiness is the journey and not the destination.
Or as Wayne Dyer said,
“There is no way to happiness, happiness is the way.”
Have a great week !